This exercise is to help with self empathy. Self empathy is getting in touch with our feelings and needs. The Nonviolent Communication method for self empathy is to start with a neutral observation. If you would like to learn about and practice making neutral observations follow the link. The next place to focus your attention is on your feelings. In the table below I have put some the feelings from the cnvc.org unmet needs list. I did it this way so you would be picking from a list of emotions and not put your thoughts in, in place of the emotions. For more information got to feelings. The next phase is not part of the formal NVC process but I use it and I find it helpful. This is to identify the thoughts behind the emotion. How we are thinking about the observation determines the emotion we experience. Typically when I feel anger I am judging that there is something wrong with the person from the observation.
The next place to focus attention on is the needs. From the general feeling I have created a list of suggested needs for that group of emotions. Look over the list and see if anything resonates for you. There may be several that strike a chord. Try to narrow it down to the one or two that are strongest. If none on the list of suggested needs work, go to the list of needs at the bottom of the page to find one that fits for you. For mourning, remember back to what needs you were trying to meet when you had the observation that stimulated the emotion. Take some time to focus on the energy of the needs and how it feels in your body when those needs are met. Take a little time to sit with this feel and don't rush through this step.
Now we get to where the rubber meets the road. I find making requests to be very challenging. In our culture we are taught to focus on what we don't want. If you have ever been on the receiving end of constructive criticism, I think you understand. So for this part we need to come up with a positive action request. We need to decide who we want to make the request of, myself or someone else. Requests of yourself is a good place to start. After looking at how your behavior could change then see if you still want the other person to contribute to meeting your needs.
Now check in with yourself and see if you are ready to empathize with the other party. If you feel calm and centered go on to empathy. If you still feel some tension, use what you are feeling (as in body sensations) or thinking now as a new observation and start over. Think about what the other person has done. If you were doing that behavior what would you be feeling? What would be the need that is stimulating that behavior? If you have trouble with the need use the feelings and suggested needs from the left side of this chart.
Observation | Feeling | Justification Thoughts | My Needs | Requests Of Myself Others |
Other's Feelings? | Other's Needs? |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
Select general feeling first, then specific feeling | Suggested Needs: My need(s) |
Only do empathy (other's needs) after you feel very connected to your own needs. |
Do any new requests arise after being aware of the other's needs? |
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Listen to deepening the needs meditation. |
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Making Neutral Observations | Identifying Feelings | Thoughts vs Feelings | Identifying Needs | Making Requests | Empathy (Feelings) | Empathy (Needs) |
Examples | ||||||
Observation | Feeling | Justification Thoughts | My Needs | Requests Of Myself Others |
Other's Feelings? | Other's Needs? |
|
frustrated |
|
Support, acknowledgment, order Mourning (tried to meet) order, beauty |
Self: Would you wait until she is ready or put boxes out of the way? Other: Would you tell me how you feel about me putting your books on shelves as long as I help re-arrange them? |
frustrated (same as me ☺) |
order, ease, consideration, awareness |
Stepsons are having 4 friends over for B-day party. I see a stepson throwing dirt at boys in the fort. I see the boys in the fort spitting at stepson. He is also hobbling around without his crutches |
exasperated |
|
Respect, consideration, safety, harmony | Self: Stay in NVC consciousness when dealing with boys. Others: I am challenged here as I want to tell them what not to do (spitting & throwing) I am going to start over at observation and connect with what I want (needs) instead of what I don't want |
anger | Understanding |
outraged | Why would anyone spit on another human being? | Respect, compassion, health, inclusion | Self: Find out what is going on before jumping to conclusions Others: Would you be willing to explore ways of expressing yourself that don't involve spitting? |
disgust (spitters) anger (dirt thrower) |
self-expression | |
disappointment | He can't seem to keep friends | learning, nurturing | Self: Be willing to let him make his own mistakes Others: Would you be willing to talk about how your behavior is seen by others? |
lonely | acceptance, belonging | |
confusion | How do I get it through his head that if he wants friends he should be a friend | contribution, learning, competence | Self: Be willing to listen to stepson/other boys with empathy. Others: Would you be willing to sit in a group and tell me what is going on for you? |
vulnerable, hurt | safety | |
Notes: This situation was resolved by sitting in a circle and giving all the boys a chance to express what was going on for them without interruptions or cross-talk and I acknowledged their feelings and needs. | What was needed was a chance to express and be heard. | |||||
Observation | Feeling | Justification Thoughts | My Needs | Requests Of Myself others |
Other's Feelings? | Other's Needs? |
|
annoyed, frustrated | Terry is wasting everyone's time | effective use of time, consideration, respect, support, ease, choice | Be open to what is going on for Terry, demonstrate by listening without judgments or giving advice. Terry, would you be willing to tell me what is going on for you so you came to the meeting at 2:07? |
embarrassed, stressed | understanding, compassion |
AFRAID apprehensive dread foreboding frightened mistrustful panicked petrified scared suspicious terrified wary worried |
ANNOYED aggravated dismayed disgruntled displeased exasperated frustrated impatient irritated irked |
ANGRY enraged furious incensed indignant irate livid outraged resentful |
AVERSION animosity appalled contempt disgusted dislike hate horrified hostile repulsed |
CONFUSED ambivalent baffled bewildered dazed hesitant lost mystified perplexed puzzled torn |
DISCONNECTED alienated aloof apathetic bored cold detached distant distracted indifferent numb removed uninterested withdrawn |
DISQUIET agitated alarmed discombobulated disconcerted disturbed perturbed rattled restless shocked startled surprised troubled turbulent turmoil uncomfortable uneasy unnerved unsettled upset |
EMBARRASSED ashamed chagrined flustered guilty mortified self-conscious |
FATIGUE beat burnt out depleted exhausted lethargic listless sleepy tired weary worn out |
PAIN agony anguished bereaved devastated grief heartbroken hurt lonely miserable regretful remorseful |
SAD depressed dejected despair despondent disappointed discouraged disheartened forlorn gloomy heavy hearted hopeless melancholy unhappy wretched |
TENSE anxious cranky distressed distraught edgy fidgety frazzled irritable jittery nervous overwhelmed restless stressed out |
VULNERABLE fragile guarded helpless insecure leery reserved sensitive shaky |
YEARNING envious jealous longing nostalgic pining wistful |
AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm |
ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated |
HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic |
CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure |
EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant |
GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched |
INSPIRED amazed awed wonder |
JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled |
EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled |
PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting |
REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revived |
CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect |
CONNECTION continued safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water |
HONESTY authenticity integrity presence PLAY joy humor PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity |
MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding |
Feelings and Needs List from the Center for Nonviolent Communication
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041
© 2012-2024 Jeff Tretsven