Compassionate Response or Creating More Pain? |
Read the speaker's words first. Imagine what would be an empathic response. Look at my possible responses and see how your opinion of what is compassionate compares to my guess as to what would be compassionate. All of these responses are what people with good intentions might say. I base my guess on how it would feel to me if I were in a state where I would be saying what the speaker is saying. Empathy is more like a dance than a science. What works in one situation might not work in another. Have fun and know there is no absolute right or wrong answer.
My dog died today.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is giving information and not connecting to the emotions and needs. Also assumes you know what will "fix" the speaker.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is letting the person know you are not interested in their feelings and needs and want them to not bother you with them.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is focusing on what's alive in you. There is nothing wrong with sharing what's alive in you. However, if you want to connect, demonstrate empathy first.
To me this is a demonstration of empathy. Will this for sure create connection? I don't know, we only find out by trying it with real people.
My boss gave me a bad review.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is focusing attention on yourself and how your situation is bigger.
To me this is a demonstration of empathy. Will this for sure create connection? I don't know, we only find out by trying it with real people.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. I don't find it connecting as it seems to ignore feelings and needs and is an opinion of what might happen in the future.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. You are saying you understand, but are not demonstrating understanding by saying the feelings and needs. Empathy is demonstrating understanding instead of saying I understand. If you want to connect, demonstrate empathy by saying your guess for the feelings and needs.
You are always late.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is arguing or defending. Neither one creates connection.
To me this is a demonstration of empathy. Any emotion that is a variation on anger will usually involve respect or consideration. So these are usually safe guesses.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This doesn't show any interest in the speaker but is focusing on my needs without naming them.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is offering a strategy without finding out what the needs are.
You never tell me you love me.
To me this is a demonstration of empathy guess. To me, love and appreciation are very similar.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is arguing or defending. Neither one creates connection.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This doesn't show any interest in the speaker but is focusing on my needs without expressing them honestly.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is defending or justifying why you don't demonstrate your love in the way the speaker is asking for.
I don't want to go on living.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is giving them a compliment without relating it to a specific observation.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is telling them what they are thinking. Most people don't like someone else telling them what tehy are thinking.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is letting the person know you are not able to connect with what they are saying but not in a compassionate way.
To me this is a demonstration of having heard what the person said. Sometimes just being heard is enough. Especially for a subject that is difficult for most people to hear.
My head hurts.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is giving them a strategy without seeing what they want.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is acting like a doctor. Even if you are a physician, unless the person has made an appointment for a headache, this is likely to stimulate irritation.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is a form of diagnosing with indirect advice mixed in.
For me this one was difficult without more context. I have trouble identifying the emotion without more context so this is my best guess at an empathic response.
Drivers here are crazy.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is asking a question as a way to make a comparison about how your experiences have been worse.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is an indirect way of offering a strategy by telling them your strategy.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is showing interest but it doesn't show an interest in feelings or needs.
To me this is an empathic guess.
That's not the price you agreed to. (He said sheepishly.) {Sorry, ba-a-a-ad joke.}
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is arguing. Marshall says empathy before correction.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is challenging their observation by saying they are defective.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is using the feeling word to express a judgment instead of an emotion.
For me, this a good guess as to the emotion and need.
How can you expect me to trust you?
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is asking a question that is heading towards a strategy to meet my needs.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. Although it contains an emotional word it is about me and not the speaker.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is actually empathy, however it is asking what the request is before identifying the feelings and needs. Because it is skipping the feelings and needs it might stimulate irritation.
To me this is a demonstration of having heard with empathy what the person said.
This is the worst day of my life.
My guess is, this would decrease the distress level of the speaker. This is asking a question as a way to let the speaker know you are available for empathy. It is going directly to the request and skipping the feelings and needs which might work well in this situation.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. This is downplaying the feelings and needs.
My guess is, this would increase the distress level of the speaker. While this might be a true statement I doubt it is what someone in pain would want to hear.
To me this is a demonstration empathy. The speaker is in a very vulnerable state and any empathy guesses spoken without sincerity would most likely not be well received.